My first surgery

I always knew that having an operation would be likely some time in the future, even more so in the last year.
I imagined emergency surgery to be really dramatic, with ambulances and people rushing around and lots of pain and blood.
A week ago now I woke up from emergency surgery, but it wasn't like that at all.
I knew something wasn't right and I would have to go to the hospital, but I walked in to A&E and waited around most of the day before they could do anything because I had eaten.
It was odd because I wasn't that scared. I could only think about the present and that was what needed to be done. People pushed me around in beds and just did things to me and I had to let them.
They drained a perianal abscess and left an open wound so it heals from the inside out.
I spent a total of five days in hospital and after a week, it is healing well. It is still uncomfortable and I'm still tired but I'm starting to think about normal things again, and starting to do some bits of uni work.
I'm worried now that this is going to hold me back and I'm not going to be able to do as well as I wanted in my degree. But I'm going to try to keep fighting for it. I just need to give myself some time to recover and then I will be able to really push myself.
In a way this makes it easier for me to keep going. Now more than ever I don't want this to beat me.

Swimming up stream

I really wish I could say that it was the most important thing in the world to me right now.
I wish I didn't have this holding me back.

But who knows, maybe I wouldn't fight as hard if it wasn't.
Maybe it wouldn't mean as much.

I won't be afraid from the tears I cry

Having this illness has changed me.
Its only been four years but I can't remember what life was like before, so in some ways I can't even tell if it has, but I know it has, because it is different. I wonder if anyone else can see the change.
I remember myself young and silly and happy. Innocent and naive.
Unaware of the real impact of the harshness in the world.
Obviously if I had the choice I would wish all this away, it will never give me more happiness than pain and grief.
But I wouldn't chose to forget and go back.
Because that's what life is; figuring out who you are and finding a place for yourself somewhere in this world.

I don't want people to see me as weak because I have a disease. It might make me tired, but its not the same thing.