Long time no post!

Wow, I can't believe how long it has been since I last posted on here!
My reasons for not posting for so long? I guess because life has been moving on for me. I am on my second job since I last posted and that of course keeps me busier. I started Infliximab in March this year and have since had six treatments. I am generally doing well health wise and I suppose with less drama, it gives me less reason to vent my feelings onto here.

But I think it is still so important to post about the good times as well. To show that I really have reached the light at the end of the tunnel - I expect there will be many more tunnels to pass through in the future but I know and have accepted that is what life is like. 

But the title of my blog rings true even more now that I am in a good time. I know that I can appreciate it so much more not knowing when it could all turn around. Something I learned in my first remission five years ago.

I have been thinking about how much things have changed for me in the past year. I was unemployed, had no social life, was about to become very unwell and have surgery. But I have got through all that now. My health got better and that gave me strength to work hard at my job.

I don't really believe in fate, but I really believe that things will work out in the end. Sometimes it feels like you are going along the wrong path, but you don't know where it is going to come out at the end. When you don't get a job you really want, or you are feeling down for any reason, its hard to believe that something better is around the corner. But you just have to be patient, or look at things a little differently.

When something good comes of it, then stop and think. It wouldn't have happened without the bad times happening first.

I will follow her on her path

I wrote this on 4/12/12 but am only just putting it on here.

I feel like I am loosing the life I used to have. But I guess that is normal in a life stage like I am now. I started off hopeful when I graduated. I felt myself turning a corner, and although I didn't know what to expect, I was hoping to find a buzzing town, full of opportunities for me to take advantage of.

But instead I found fields, miles and miles of empty fields.
No - Its more like mountains. Huge mountains sticking up into the sky with sharp rocky cliff edges that I somehow have to climb, with deep dark caves.
And I'm trying! I'm climbing up them but I don't feel like I am getting any closer.
I can see that town beneath me, but I have to get past these mountains and I don't know how.

Is living with a chronic illness just going to be a life of mountains?

More Hospital Visits

I thought I should do a post on here to update where I am.
I started working as a Christmas Temp at Ernest Jones the jewelers, at the end of November.
Just my luck that when I get a job I get ill!
I had started to get symptoms back and after about a week when I was getting worse instead of better, I knew that I would need steroids to get me back on track. Then I started passing a lot of blood, I had work the next day and I knew I just couldn't go. Before this I had been pushing myself through my shifts.
So in the end I decided to go to A&E. Mainly because I knew I needed steroids and that my GP wouldn't be able to give them to me. I wasn't sure what would happen if I went to A&E but thought it might be my best bet at getting some steroids! In the end they kept me in hospital and put me onto IV steroids. I started getting a little bit better every day but I was still in a lot of pain. I stayed in for five nights in the end. Once they try you on the oral steroids they have to monitor you for 24 hours to make sure you don't get worse. So I came out of hospital the day before xmas eve!
I still wasn't 100% but I was a lot better, I said to the doctor, I know my body, I will keep getting better with these steroids over the next few days.
So I continued to get better over the xmas period, I just took it easy.

Then on 3rd January I had an operation which we had planned. It was to try and sort out the abscess I had which kept reoccurring. So that was three weeks ago now, I am feeling a lot better, but still having to make sure I keep my wound clean etc.
We had to sort out the abscess because they want to start me on a different medication (Which I think I mentioned on here ages ago), it would be dangerous for me to start this medication if I had reoccurring infections. So now I'm basically waiting for them to say the surgery has been successful so I can start this different medication. Then I'm hoping that will put me in remission and I will be healthy for a long time! :)

With this illness you never know what its going to throw at you. I'm still on the steroids but the reductions are going well. Steroids are pretty amazing really. They work very well, I'm basically symptom free and have a lot more energy. (I'm even going to join the gym!?!) Unfortunately though it means my face has ballooned! Don't ya just love side effects!! 

Meanwhile, I'm looking for a job again! Lets hope I can turn things around a bit in 2013! :)

I'm so tired

You say that to a healthy person, and they think they know what it means. I’m sure they do to a certain extent. But what I mean is: I can’t lift up my fork to put food into my mouth. If I sit down I might not stand up again. If I close my eyes they might not open, and I don’t know if I want them to.

When I wake up in the morning, its only an hour or two until I feel like this again and somehow I have to push on through the rest of the day.

There is another part to it too. It’s the part that says, I need to sleep so I can stop thinking about all the worries and anxieties that keep running through my mind. If I sleep, I won’t feel the next symptom, the next pain. The next addition to my growing fear of the future.

I’ll go to sleep now and ill dream of another place.     Or just nothing.    That’s fine too.

Leading Lady of My Life

So, my job search is now well underway. I am in the rhythm of the daily routine for the unemployed. I watch some morning TV, search through websites listing jobs that in no way match my search criteria. I depressingly discard more jobs than I apply to, while trying to make out to anyone that asks that I am constantly applying to loads. Then I play computer games, and watch evening TV to fill the hours before I can realistically go to bed. Then when I wake up the next day the whole thing begins again. And somehow, it has been over a month since I graduated with hopes and excitement for the next phase.

Ok, so in the grand scheme of things a month is nothing. Its early days and I'm doing the right things and something will get sorted soon enough.

But it doesn't make it any easier that the only reasons I go out of the house is to drive other family members to the train station, or to help Mum with the food shopping. Its not normal to be getting excited about finding a bigger Aldi!

Tonight I refused my only social invitation of the week - to join my Mum at her knitting club. So, I was sat here thinking about how my life has changed so quickly from the fun of uni and the constant social opportunities, to just watching my facebook news feed.

I reminded myself that, while at the moment it feels like my life is in other people's hands; whether or not someone bothers to take my job application seriously.

Ultimately, its up to me to take every opportunity I can, both professionally and socially.

So maybe I should join the knitting club and the women's institute?

Time for a new begining!!

I can't believe it has been so long since my last blog post! I have been quite busy recently, so I'll tell you about my latest news!
So, first things first, as the recent theme of this blog was me struggling through my degree work while getting through illness at the same time. Well... I DID IT!!! Scroll back down through these posts and find that little guy finding his way up the stairs. I'm at the top! :)
I got my 2.1 degree in BSc (Hons) Human nutrition! I am so proud! So happy that after everything I struggled through I still graduated and with a good grade.  Here is a picture of me and my best friends who got me through everything on our special day. (I am far right). It was such a lovely day celebrating our success together with our families.

Graduation Ceremony at Bath Spa University

Sadly all this means I had to wave goodbye to Bath, the place I was proud to call my home for the last three years. I spent the next couple of days packing up my room and cleaning the house. On my last evening there I wondered up to Victoria Park and watched them blow up the hot air balloons in the evening sunshine. It is something I have enjoyed doing over the last few years so it was the perfect ending of my time there. After all the balloons had gone up in the air I couldn't quite bring myself to leave. I stood watching those balloons float off into the distance while I was thinking about my time in Bath, its like I was watching those three years float away and I was saying goodbye.

Balloons in Bath

So now I am back living with my parents and finding my place within the family again. Its hard not having my Independence like I did but I don't have much choice financially. So now I am on the hunt for a graduate job! At the moment its quite hard to stay motivated, but I'm sure I will get something eventually! I just have to try and stay positive and look at it like a new beginning :)

I've seen a light I can't explain

When you see that light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how far away it looks, keep it in sight and keep going. Imagine what its going to be like when you get out there.

Keep going. You know you can do it.