I was holding it all inside me for so long, trying to be brave. But then he was telling me things that I didn't want to hear. And suddenly I couldn't keep it in anymore. When you don't want to cry in front of someone its so hard not to. When you feel the tears coming up and the emotion inside and you try to push it down.
I must have been pushing it down for too long.
And then I couldn't stop. And all the way home I couldn't stop. And I went and sat in a nice place because I couldn't face talking to anyone yet. And ever since, even though I'm trying to carry on as normal and act happy, I have just had a deep sadness inside me.
And its just because I don't know what to do. I wasn't happy with how things were before, but it was out of my hands. I was getting pushed in different directions and all I had to do was let them push me.
And now suddenly that's all changed and its my decision. There is never going to be a right time for this, but I don't know what is right. My guidance has left me, different people tell me different things and I don't know what to listen to or what to believe. I want everything over and done with but I cant make that happen.
They have given me all the power, but I'm powerless.
And the same day they do this to me, they also practically give up on my sister. It just makes me so angry. They think they know everything and that they have almighty knowledge, but the minute they don't know what to do, they give up. It's like, because they don't know, it isn't an issue.
And I can't stop these thoughts from going round my mind.
Sunday, 11 September 2011
So today marks the 10th anniversary of the attacks on the twin towers in new york. This was an act which shocked the world. Everyone you ask can remember the moment they found out about it. My Dad heard people talking about it during the day at work, my Mum then heard from my dad when he got home and saw it on the news.
Me.... I was ten years old. I don't remember hearing about it through my parents. They must have not known how to explain something so horrific to an innocent child. I heard about it at school. The staff must have thought it was necessary to address the older children so we had a special PSHE lesson. I remember sitting in the circle, and children asking questions and talking about their worries, and I didn't know what they were talking about. I remember asking my mum that night what a terrorist was. I cant remember her answer.
And I'll be honest, I have never thought about it in much detail since. I have seen programmes on it... and understand what happened. But it hasn't been until now, ten years on, when I have truly accepted the horrors that day had in store. For the people on the planes, the people in the buildings, the emergency service staff, and of course, the families left scarred from this act of terror.
It really was a day that changed the world. It is only in the last few days, when thinking of these groups of people that the thoughts of this day has bought tears to my eyes. I was too young to understand at the time... but now I can.
And as for my thoughts on this, my thoughts on terrorism, I'm not going to pretend I completely understand all the political issues behind it, I don't regularly watch or read the news. And as I said before it has been hard to think of it in much detail. But from what I do know, I feel so sad that a group of people can feel so strongly about a set of different beliefs to go to such extremes. Do they not think about the individuals effected the way I do? I literally can not understand how this could be the answer. How can anyone ever wish that pain upon anyone.
The way I see it, no one had the choice to be put on this world. No one had a choice which family, which country, which religion or which culture we were bought into. We were all brought up with unique life stories and unique points of view. But why does any of this matter? Why should another person thinking another thing bring any troubles? At the end of the day, we have all been given choices, whether or not you believe in a God, if you think everything has been put in its place for you or not... you still have to make that choice.
Last night I went out with my friends from work to say goodbye for the new year of uni. And somehow I felt deceitful. Anyone following this blog, or any close friends will know what is going on in my life health wise at the moment, and what I will be facing in the next few months. But I haven't told any of my friends at work. And that isn't because I haven't had the opportunity... I've had plenty. I just cant bring myself to do it! I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to answer questions. I don't want to face the reality yet. It's been nice to pretend nothing out of the ordinary is going to happen. And I guess... I've always known I was going to step away from work. But I have friends there, good friends. Who I want to let in on my problems. For some reason, at the end of tonight I felt as though I was hiding a big secret. I wanted to tell them but I couldn't. It definitely wasn't the right time but I still wanted them to know. And I felt sad. I was close to tears because of what is to come and because of feeling alone. But as we walked down the street, in the pouring rain, at two o'clock in the morning, and I looked up at the sky. I thought... I'm alive. I'm alive and I can feel it! I can feel the rain on my face, and the pain and fear in my heart. But I'm alive, right here and right now, a tiny person in this big world.
I guess life is a test.... different people have different rules. People live their life as they think they should, or the only way they think they can. There is so many people on this world, each with their own idea. How is it possible for us all to get along? I just wish more than anything we could. I wish we didn't have to live in fear of the future. I'm scared of the future. I'm scared of what the next corner is going to reveal. None of us know what is going to happen, what life we will be looking back on when we die. But, I'm young, I'm alive. And I have chosen to live my life based on piece, and honesty, and love. And I hope it gets me to where I want to go. I want to look back and be proud of who I am, and what I have done. There are always going to be struggles, and ups and downs. But they are what makes me who I am.