Friday, 23 March 2012

Sunny Days

Bath looks so beautiful in the sun. I love that I can look out my window and see such a beautiful city. I love it so much and will really miss it when I leave.
Today is a good day, the nurse has told me my abscess wound is looking good, I don't need to go back and see her about it unless I am worried. This is good as I have been seen at least twice a week since my operation.
I know my journey is far from over and in a couple of weeks I will be in hospital again. But you have to hold on to each tiny little bit of good to keep you going.
You have to keep holding on, because when you do feel that happiness you remember why you have to keep going :)
I hope everyone has a happy day, if not keep waiting and it will come!
Here is a picture of sunny Bath :)

Monday, 19 March 2012

Remove the coulds, Look at the bigger picture.

I have always loved Delta Goodrem, since she was in Neighbours and singing Born to Try. Everyone at school knew I was obsessed with Delta and I bought every single CD that she bought out, even buying a single twice if it meant getting an extra song.
I remember when I found out Delta was diagnosed with cancer, I was at school and I had read it on the internet during lunch time and I couldn't stop crying. How can such a horrible thing have happened to beautiful Delta?
Her second album didn't do as well here in the UK as her first, you can hear the difference between them. The first one is sweet innocent Delta playing pretty piano, the second is a lot darker and more dramatic. It is telling the story of her battles with cancer and in her own words 'A diary'.
I love the words to every song in that album. I feel like I understand every line.
No I don't have cancer, I can't say I know what it is like to go through chemotherapy and have long periods of time in hospital. But I know what it is like to live with chronic illness, to fear to think of the future, to only think one step at a time, to wonder 'Why me?', and to watch the world change before your eyes.
When I first bought her album Mistaken Identity I thought I understood what she was saying because I knew she was singing about her illness.
Now I understand because I feel it.       I feel it too.
Who would have thought when chance came calling that this would be my defining story?
I'm glad Delta sang about this, because I love rediscovering this album when I'm feeling down.
I think about Delta now compared to when she wrote this second album. She is still beautiful, lovely Delta. I hope she is happy, her third album which was a lot more care-free seemed to suggest she is. I believe she is now working on the fourth so I guess time will show what she has come up with. The picture below is one very recently released to announce a new single is coming!
So, Thank you Delta :) You keep on helping me through and telling me to be strong!

Friday, 16 March 2012

Ups and Downs

If I was actually the person in this picture, I would be getting a lot of exercise constantly going up and down these steps! I think I am spending most of my time on 'I want to do it'. About the highest I'm getting is 'I'll try to do it' But I keep getting stuck on 'I can't do it'. After so much time on that step, I go right down to the bottom, to put it off for another time.
Right now that top step looks so high up.
I feel rubbish that I have ended my day right at the bottom, and that guy at the top looks so happy.
I have to keep hoping that I get there, otherwise all this going up and down would have been a waste of time.

Thursday, 8 March 2012

Monday, 5 March 2012

What does it say about your life when

The thought of trying a different medication fills you with excitement and hope?

I don't care because I'm enjoying feeling like this :)

Sunday, 4 March 2012

Six thoughts at once I can't focus on one

I was so happy at the thought of going back to Bath, to be able to just get on with things.
But now I'm back the stress of everything is already starting to kick in. I have only been sat down at my laptop for about the last hour to start doing some work.
The thing is, before I went into hospital everything was going to be hard. All of my friends are working really hard at the moment and have a lot of thing to be working on and to be getting done.
And because of that I feel like I can't complain about the amount that I have to do, I don't want to complain though, I know this is going to be hard work. I know we are all working hard that is the way things are. End of.
But the problem is, we are no longer all in the same boat.
Before I was in hospital I had deadlines I needed to work to and a rough plan of when I would work on different things.
Now everything is a muddle. I haven't been able to work on things properly and I feel so behind, I have already missed one deadline and have been completely ignoring other bits of work. I don't know how to get everything done and time just keeps running away from me faster and faster. My mind is still so tired and it is hard to focus.
And now I don't know how to talk to my friends about this without getting 'We all have a lot to do'.
I suppose everyone is just so focussed on themselves there isn't time to think about other peoples troubles.
So if that is the case I suppose I need to stop caring about how they think of me.
I need to just focus on me.
I need to just focus and get on with things.
I need to try and stay positive.

And I need to remember how much my friends have helped me get through the last couple of weeks.