Sunday, 26 June 2011

Look down, the ground below is crumbling

I haven't written a blog post in a while, so thought I should do one. I have been busy the last couple of weeks, with finishing exams and then I had a week in Bath doing lots of fun things. Then I have come home for summer and have already started back at work.

There are a lot of things that are making me happy at the moment. I am in a good place. I have bought a Ukulele and I am putting a lot of effort into learning that. I feel refreshed after having a few weeks of not working and doing things I enjoy.

However, there are also a lot of things that are getting me down. The main thing that I have been pushing to the back of my mind is what I mentioned in my last blog post. I have been told that I have to have an operation to remove an abscess. It is about two inches above my anus in the natal cleft. It is not something I have found easy to tell people about, because I don't really understand the impact it will have on me.

I decided that I wanted to have the operation when I go back to Bath for university. This is because I think it will only effect me physically. And right now I need to work. I need money to pay my rent and to get out of my overdraft. My work as a waitress is very physical and I don't think I will be able to do this after the operation.

People don't seem to understand this decision and think I should have it at home where my family are here to look after me. But I don't think I will need looking after. I can't comprehend the idea of not being able to carry on as normal. Because that is all I have ever done. When I was at college and the most unwell I have ever been in my life, I still went every day. The only time off I ever had was for hospital appointments, and this was during my diagnosis.

I know that things will be harder, that I will be in a lot of pain all the time, but all I can do is push through the pain and carry on. I don't care if I will miss university for a couple of weeks because it isn't actually the most important thing in my life. The most important thing is that I have this operation and get better. I will catch up with my work and I won't let it jeopardise my grades. I will get extra help with my work if I need it.

And I have to think this way because... Otherwise I don't know what I will do.

Sunday, 5 June 2011

Today I don't feel like doing anything...

I just wanna stay in my bed!
Today I am feeling rubbish! I am in the middle of my exams, I have my second one tomorrow and should be revising. I have done a bit today, but not as much as I would have liked because I am so tired!

Another reason is because I am feeling ill. And its annoying because It is not to do with Crohn's. Actually it is. Crohn's gave me a problem and in trying to fix it, I am feeling worse than I was originally.

I don't want to say what my problem is right now because in real life I have only told three people. I am waiting to see a doctor on Monday who will make a decision, until then I am trying not to worry about it. From past experience I think I know which way things will go, but I am not particularly happy about either outcome.

In life, we make decisions which will effect us forever. Sometimes we are forced in one direction. We have to do things we don't want to do. This is part of growing, and having new experiences. There are a lot of people in the world who constantly avoid making these tougher decisions. Being a person who falls into the category of being forced into things (by this I mean medically), I tend to see those people as just avoiding responsibility. I sometimes forget to think about the reasons behind why people make these constant wrong decisions. Is it because of their state of mind, their financial situation or the way they have been brought up? Maybe we are always forced into our decisions, even if it does seem like we are taking the easy way out. Because, does it really give us the easiest outcome?

I am a logical thinker, and doing things which does not seem to be the sensible thing to do makes me feel very nervous. But is this restricting me in my life experiences? Sometimes you have to take a gamble, and push yourself in the other direction.

But I think this needs to be saved for another time. For now, I will continue to be pushed by my doctors, into the things that I don't want to do, to try and get better. Besides, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? That's just what I have to keep telling myself.