I was holding it all inside me for so long, trying to be brave. But then he was telling me things that I didn't want to hear. And suddenly I couldn't keep it in anymore. When you don't want to cry in front of someone its so hard not to. When you feel the tears coming up and the emotion inside and you try to push it down.
I must have been pushing it down for too long.
And then I couldn't stop. And all the way home I couldn't stop. And I went and sat in a nice place because I couldn't face talking to anyone yet. And ever since, even though I'm trying to carry on as normal and act happy, I have just had a deep sadness inside me.
And its just because I don't know what to do. I wasn't happy with how things were before, but it was out of my hands. I was getting pushed in different directions and all I had to do was let them push me.
And now suddenly that's all changed and its my decision. There is never going to be a right time for this, but I don't know what is right. My guidance has left me, different people tell me different things and I don't know what to listen to or what to believe. I want everything over and done with but I cant make that happen.
They have given me all the power, but I'm powerless.
And the same day they do this to me, they also practically give up on my sister. It just makes me so angry. They think they know everything and that they have almighty knowledge, but the minute they don't know what to do, they give up. It's like, because they don't know, it isn't an issue.
And I can't stop these thoughts from going round my mind.