Tuesday, 24 May 2011

I can feel it. We're falling through space, you and me, clinging to the skin of this tiny little world, and if we let go...

Sometimes I feel like I’m spinning. That the whole world is spinning faster and faster, and you know when you stop you are going to fall.

I realise that my blog seems to have started off fairly negative. I don’t mean for things to go that way. I think it’s just to do with my state of mind at the moment. But some posts do have to be a bit that way. Because the point of this blog is to be honest. 

When you see me to my face, you don’t always see how I’m feeling. You see the coping method. I think it makes perfect sense. In nature, if an animal is weak it is an easy target for predators. Sometimes, it will get pushed out of its group because the others can’t risk falling behind. So if they need to stay with their group then they need to act like nothing is wrong.

And this is what we do. You can’t always act like a victim. Even if you feel rubbish, you can still pick yourself up and go to work. Do your nine hour shifts just like everyone else. Even if you are pushing yourself harder than they are, you can easily not show it.

I find it so hard to act unwell. And that’s why it annoys me so much when other people lay it on thick. They have a slight headache and have to go home. A little bit of stress and its all too much. Try being me. If I gave them my pain for the day they would not be able to cope. 

Sometimes it doesn’t do well to hide it so much though. When it gets to the point where you need the help, or the exception, they don’t believe you. They don’t see how bad things really are.

I still don’t know how to get the balance. How to be positive and negative at the same time.

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